Neuf Reacts

I FUCKING LOVE TRIGUN, OKAY?

(via slushienyappy)

Looking at Indie: A Showcase of Independent Film

So much hype

I have stuff to do today, don’t want to waste much time with this particular review, so here I will list the 6 main problems I had with this film.

**And yes, this film is littered with spoilers because I don’t give a fuck, no one should see this film anyway

PROBLEM ONE: Terrible Acting, Terrible Aliens

Holy fuck, for a film with so much CGI and a budget to back it up (the CG budget was $10-$20 million) it sure looks like ass. And it was done by the same company that did the CGI for BATTLE: LA…and I don’t remember THAT film looking this terrible. Sure, the lights are pretty…but a closer look at the aliens and their interaction with real-world elements makes the film look like a high-budget Doctor Who episode. No, I think sometimes Doctor Who is better.

And the dialogue is soooo unnatural, it’s either atrocious or brilliant: it’s possible that a side-effect of the aliens’ arrival is that everyone suddenly has an inner-ear infection and can’t quite understand what other people are saying, prompting them to react in unusual ways. That has to be it, that has to be the reason why the acting comes across as flat, emotionless, and fucking bizarre. Yeah, those damn aliens.

PROBLEM TWO: Let’s Stay in the Fucking Bullseye

OKAY PEOPLE LET’S LEAVE WE SURE AS SHIT CAN’T STAY HERE!

*tries to escape expensive LA hotel, runs into aliens lolol*

OKAY PEOPLE WE SURE AS SHIT CAN’T LEAVE SO LET’S GO BACK TO OUR SUITE

…..so instead of taking a room on the main level or even staying in the fucking hallway AWAY FROM THE WINDOWS you all decided to go all the way back up to the 15th level (yeah I looked at the number in the elevator) and stay in the EXACT SAME FUCKING ROOM WITH THE LARGE WINDOWS AND NO OTHER ESCAPE??

Yeah most of the problems I had with this film were logic-related. I’m just saying that it would’ve been way more convenient to stay on the main level or pick another room, since the HOTEL MANAGER IS WITH YOU WITH A KEY TO EVERY DOOR…except for the maintenance door…which brings me to the next problem.

PROBLEM THREE: Windows Are For Looking Through

So as the terrified group of humans are running for their lives, forced to run back to the hotel because of trololol aliens, they get to a maintenance door…with a large door window. Fuck, the door was pretty much a window.

So what does the hotel manager do?

Smashes the window…reaches inside…unlocks the door…AND OPENS THE DOOR.

Why the fuck didn’t you just go through the window?! Everyone could’ve fit through it but NOPE we have to use this door properly, no jumping through windows like a fucking jerk.

PROBLEM FOUR: Is That A Nuke? I Need A Closer Look

Okay, so at one point, the army finally gets the right idea and nukes the aliens (YEAH AMERICA). As my friend pointed out, the blast from a nuke, even a small one, is devastating; looking directly at a nuke blast is guaranteed blindness, pure and simple. Your eyes would be fried.

But, as the hotel manager demonstrates during this scene, being the manager of a ritzy LA hotel can bring about some pretty kick-ass benefits…like being able to look at a nuclear bomb go off through a telescope, the only visible effect being forced to look away after a second and tell everyone to get down without even blinking.

Man that was one tough manager. Fuck Chuck Norris

PROBLEM FIVE: Because My Name Is Jerry

I understand that a protagonist is special. He/She is the main character afterall, the story revolves around them. So if they go through a tricky series of events and makes it through okay, I can understand that. Might be unlikely, but it’s a film right?

Well that must make it okay for the protagonist’s brain to be stolen from his body and put into an alien body…only for his brain, due to protagonist willpower, to overcome and take over the body, turning his glowing eyes from blue to (gasp) orange! OH SHIT SYMBOLISM!

FUCKING SERIOUSLY?!

His brain gets jacked and, through some fucking miracle, unlike the thousands of other poor bastards, this one is able to control the alien body…and then LOOKS TO THE ENTIRE ALIEN RACE AND PLANS ON TAKING THEM ON.

I wish someone would take my fucking brain, because it’s going haywire trying to process this loose logic.

And that brings me to my final problem with this atrocious piece of shit.

PROBLEM SIX: It’s All In The Mind, Y’Know?

This is the whole motive behind the alien invasion: the aliens are powered by brains.

So they need human brains.

….

Fuck.

During one scene in a parkade, an alien is rammed by a vehicle and dies (YEAH AMERICA)…but, even though its dead, he still snatches a human brain, pops out his shitty alien brain, and plugs in the human brain, making everything all better.

I’M NOT FUCKING JOKING.

First of all, how the fuck was the alien even able to do all that if it was dead? Even if it wasn’t dead, how the hell could it just swap out brains lickity-split like that? You’d be dead without a brain! And even if they had the technology to do a quick swap like that…YOU’RE FUCKING ALIENS. How the hell could human brains, something you had never encountered before, be so suddenly compatible with your tech that you can INSTANTLY GET UP AND RESUME KILLING LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED??

It’s so disgusting that, with the amazing locations and cool alien design, such a film exists. It’s so terrible, it should have been good! But nope, shitty acting, shitty CGI, shitty plot twist, shitty logic. Man…my brain hurts

-2 / 5

*[next review I’ll be doing PLASTICMANN2 because people won’t stop harassing me about it >.< ]

Oh Wolfwood, you so crazy.

TRIGUN IS THE SHIT

(via slushienyappy)

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